Monday, August 15, 2011

The story of a fakeMBAplayer. Trimester 1.

'First Night' at the Hostel.

Ram & Sita will no longer run along the circular track. The two 450m and 750m trains can be dismantled now. The stupid A,B,C,D,E,F Engineer,Doctor,Lawyer,Scientist & Bullshit will now sit only with their spouses around a circular table. The assole grocer had turned honest all of a sudden and will not use false-weights. Damn it. You want to erase the Razbliuto, Preeminence,Japery words from the grey matter. Pagalguy bookmarks deleted. TIME, IMS, CL unsubscribed.

Day 1 on the campus. The School is like a Nazi Camp. You find half of the senior batch with some POR, behaving like Hilter. General Secretary is GenSec. Auditorium is Audi. Attendence will henceforth be known as Rollcall. Associate director is an Ass.

Curtain rise. The MBA is declared open.

Student’s Union , Placement committee & 12+ clubs. Classes,Presentations, Assignments,Projects, Submissions, Case studies & Informal interactions. You are sucked till the last drop of blood. The first time you hear the typical 23:59:59 deadline you think of the old Bata chappals priced at 99.95rupees.

As a first thing, MBA doubles the number of friends on Facebook and bombards your inbox. You become a part of College, Batch, Section, Hostel , Hostel wing, Regional,Guys only, Last benchers and several other Facebook groups. In the first week, over the group emails you see people losing almost everything. Books, Pendrives, Tupperwares, Blazers, Tie , their brains. Sans underwears.

Falling in love with parathas and the 5 min Fag takes priority over liking a girl in the batch and even if you like one, She’s already ‘booked’ by a senior.

The senior batch gets tired in a couple of weeks, the noose loosens. Little you know that professors are waiting like hungry lions, never fed in last one year !!

Enter class.

In the present age of SmartArts, they are atleast a decade behind with all that god forsaken Clip arts and animations. These post lunch PPTs. The bestest sleep inducers on the earth. An insomniac, you turn into instant Kumbakarna. 70 year old visiting faculty on the dias. 80 percent of the students occupying 20 percent of the last rows. Perfect example of a normal curve for the Statistics Ma'm. 100% of the students are outside the normal curve.

In another Bschool where there are pre-assigned places, this Anand dood is sitting right under professor's nose. Looks like he is meticulously taking notes. Actually he is in 5th level of inception dream while a never-before last bencher, IIT topper Viveka is fuming at the back.

A 'Gone Case' professor gives you infinite number of assignments and rapes you brutally with his advices. Horribly Unsittable. The guy next to you whispers in your ears, "He fucked his own ****** and gave birth to himself" . You burst out in laughter and pre-book the lowest possible marks in the class.

Marketing faculty at two different classes mentions about 'Virgin Market, & 'Naked Idea' . You connect them, smirk and say, " I will never go unprotected". The same evening you go to a senior’s room asking for Bplan tips. A drunkard, he closes your laptop lid and says, "MBA is intellectual masturbation" and pushes across a pint of beer. Cheers!

You learn the all new bad mouthing. Innocent fucker. Sarcastic Asshole. Clever dick and what not. Businesslevel abusing.

Group submissions are cake walk for some and pain in the ass for others. 3 out of 5 never care what is it all about but want a cc before sending the final copy to the faculty.

You see the green dot against the girl in your group at 3AM . Wanting to impress her you ping, "Our assignment is shaping up very well. But I think we are lacking in the pubic relation part. We need to develop that" ... Goddammmnn. The bloody L key. You are blocked.Neverthless you learn about elevator pitching and try it with the some other girl.

There is another gang which cares only about Bschool competitions. The number of participants in a Bschool comp is directly proportional to the prize money and vouchers attached to it. Atlast this group of Powerpoint Pandits use of all the available options in a ppt and present the ‘facts’ with Wikipedia hyperlinks.

The guest lectures you miss are the best on the campus. The ones you attend are instant brain deaths. All your guest lectures will revolve around Google & Apple or McDonald & KFC. Dear speaker, The third time you use a 'You know' inside 20 seconds you are not a good speaker you know.

Trimester Calls!!

The first time you see the Trial balance. The fear is similar to a medical student when they first lay their sight on a cadaver. You forget all the Bschool wars and pick people on Facebook for the Business Law question papers. Rest of the subject books were never opened, even for writing your name on it.

The hardcore marketing guy uses Kotler as his pillow and Fin guy names his kids EBIT & EBITDA in his dreams. There is still a group preparing the arm-pit, socks, belt chits and a master chit which summarizes which bit is where.

Summer CVs are nothing but desperately filled A4 sheets that make you ROFLMAOed. "Won a group singing competition in Class V, Painted a modern art in Class II, Group leader in Class VII Social Science assignment and infinite others. Someone from down south writes, "Secured State first in Twelfth Mathematics exam". Bold. To tell you ,7346 other students 'secured' state first that year and this guy had the habit of memorizing the answers and always started to solve a problem from , "Hence Proved//"

People are desperate for CV points. Everything they do post 6PM, involves a potential CV point thing. If allowed, they will add ‘ Expert in Modern –art wall peeing’ in the about me column.

You never knew your fucking tenth marks will be a shortlisting criterion for summers.
You remember the bitch again. Had I not known you I'd have got better marks.

Stop. Some deliverables at 23:59:59
Am going. Rest in next post.

PS1: Shit scared about my summers while am posting this.
PS2: MBA is No solid,No liquid,No plasma. But a Gas.


Sridhar V said...

Bloody Brilliant !! Did you read my mind by any chance? :)

Freaky Fakir said...

too good....universally aplicable to all Bschools....nicely captured !!

Sid said...


tarnishoar said...

Nice write-up . Loved the touch on the public relations part :D

Gopi said...

Machi... Onnum Puriyala da...:)

Anonymous said...

Very nice article. Very well written.

tamil cinema news said...

very brilliant informative post,, good blog too..

Vj said...

hilarious .. r u frm som ivey leag skool ?